


Paper Monsters (Do I Want to Know)

by darkangel_silvermoon



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: M/M, Missed the boat, Mutual Pining, Regret, Slash, Slash?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-25
Updated: 2016-06-11
Packaged: 2018-06-04 09:19:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,202
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6652060
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/darkangel_silvermoon/pseuds/darkangel_silvermoon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The nights were mainly made for saying things that you can't say tomorrow day (Arctic Monkeys)<br/>A movie night at Reid's gives way to things left unsaid for a long time.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So…this took ages. ( Heavily inspired by Arctic Monkeys song “Do I Want to Know.” ) I started writing this with the episode “A Beautiful Disaster” in mind, so spoilers for episode 11x18. Also spoilers for Star Wars the Force Awakens? This is my farewell to the greatest theoretically possible/ probable gay couple on TV. Long live Sperek/ Moreid. Love to everyone that still believes.  
> You know the drill, Reid/ Review/ Enjoy. :D

“So Pretty Boy, what do you think about Poe and the Storm Trooper?” Derek comes back from your kitchen with two more beer bottles in hand.

You tuck your feet into the couch cushions; your fingers curling loosely around the beer bottle offered to you. He plops down beside you, his thigh pressing against your knee as you both settle back into the movie.

Derek pops his open and takes a sip; a lopsided smile tugging at his lips.  
“What’d you mean?” You ask; stomach flipping as he nudges you with his shoulder, his eyebrows raising.

“Finn and Poe- space boyfriends.” Derek nods at his own words. 

You can feel your face heat up, laughter bubbling in your chest. Giggles escape, your face deciding to blossom into scarlet as Derek claps you on the shoulder, the callouses on his hand rubbing gently on the nape of your neck. 

You miss this, television rolling on as Star Wars plays. Movie nights are coming few and far between with Derek…gone.

Starting a whole ‘nother life with a wife and baby.

Your mind is pinging with the want to go into an epic rant on the homosexual subtext running rampant in modern media; the notion of Poe Dameron the Lothario and the inexperienced Finn both being queer and in love with each other would be groundbreaking.

Instead you go with— “They kind of put me in the mind of you and I.”

“What are you saying, pretty boy?” Derek sits his beer bottle on the coffee table, turning his full attention on you. Fuck.

You try to remain calm; any sudden movements, any break in your façade and Derek won’t stop digging until he finds the truth.

You are accustomed to lying to hide. Used to the slight of hand to conceal your emotions.

It doesn’t work on Derek; you wish it did.

You slowly look at Derek, and you feel the blush creep higher. And damned if you don’t feel Derek’s gaze sweep over your face, his eyes narrowed. You can practically see the realization slip into place for Derek; his eyes going wide in a sort of shock.

And there goes your friendship.  
“Spencer?”  
First name too…you're screwed.

“Hm?” You try to feign calm and ignorance.

“Reid?” Derek sighs, shoulders sagging as he stares you down.

You should have told him when you had the chance. Now there is a wife and a baby to consider. There's no way you'd step between Derek and his chance at happiness now. 

You had a lifetime of forever’s to confess. Now those forever’s are gone.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Derek's voice is thin and worn.

“Because there was no reason to.” You fidget with the bottle in your hand. You wish you were drunker for this.

“Want another one?” You tilt your beer bottle at him, and he frowns. 

“No. And you don’t want one either. You're just stalling.” He says. Your throat squeezes tight as he touches your wrist. You're no blushing maiden, it’s just…he has to know what he’s doing. What effect he has on people.

“I want plausible deniability in the morning.” You try and joke. Derek huffs out a laugh.

“Sorry kid,” he shrugs. “If you want to be off your head for this, who am I to stop you? But knowing you, you’d still remember this whole conversation word for word and have a hangover out of this world too.” He says. 

Knowing him he’s right.

You pick at the label on your beer bottle. Your body feels heavy as you try to summon the words to say.

“Whenever I would work up the courage to tell you that I had…feelings for you it would never be the right time. Either I was physically compromised or mentally and emotionally stressed to the point that I was broken. Or you’d be dating someone… Or going through a crisis your self. It was just…I didn’t want to mess up the one relationship I could make work, even if it was just a friendship.”

Your throat is dry. Raising the bottle to your lips, you take the last pull before setting it down on the table.

“And you're married now, and have a beautiful baby boy…and I would never try to come between your dream of a normal family. I just…I just want the feelings to go away.”

You look up to find Derek scowling. His body stock still as he glares past your shoulder.

“How long?” Derek’s voice comes out jagged.

“I’m not”—

“Don’t you dare lie to me Reid.”

“Um…the case in Seattle. Timothy Vogel…I knew I was attracted to you then…but the big shift when I knew it was more than a crush… the hostage situation in Houston.” You stare at your hands. It’s been a long time coming.

“Damn, kid. I can’t believe this. That case in Houston and that goddamned vest.” Derek laughs. “I knew in my heart then that something was up. Just didn’t want to admit it to myself. Hankel is when I couldn’t lie to myself anymore.” Derek sniffs; you curse internally. 

“Eleven years between us.” Your throat is tight with regret. “ If we weren’t so stubborn, so…us…we could have had a chance?” Your chest aches with each breath you drag in and out.

“Possibly.” Derek's voice is small.

“Do you know how many times I wanted to pull you in my arms and kiss you.” Derek says, voice filled with longing. “ How many times I just wanted to breathe you in?”

His gaze open and honest, trained on you.

“I dream of you…sometimes the looks you would give me…makes me want to do things I never knew I could want…fuck.” Derek’s voice his heavy. 

He’s murdering you. Pressing a knife to the hilt and twisting.

It’s not his fault. 

“It was always you.” Derek raises a hand to his eyes, scrubbing at the wetness forming there. “I just…I just wish I realized it sooner.” 

“ I guess we’re both too good at keeping secrets.” You say, giving him a tight-lipped smile.

“ I was too busy being yours to really fall for someone new.” You laugh, covering a sob begging to escape. “I tried though.” You shrug.

You both sit in relative silence, the movie background noise.

You close your eyes as Derek takes your hand, laces his fingers with yours and squeezes. You do the same.

He shifts, and you feel his lips press against your temple. Your heart breaks just a little more.

“ I love you, Spencer Reid.” Derek's voice broken. You open your eyes.

“ I’ll miss you, Derek Morgan.”


	2. He's the Tear in My Heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes monkey wrenches are thrown in the mix.

Old habits die hard.

You hold your breath as the phone catches on the third ring.

"Penelope?" You whisper.

"Derek,wha"—You hear the rustle of sheets as Garcia yawns; guilt kicks you square in the chest.

"What's wrong?" Penny sounds more awake.

You feel like a little kid calling his sister for advice.

"I uh…I don't know what to do anymore. It's all falling apart." Your head's spinning with all the revelations coming out.

"Derek where are you?"

"Um…I told Savannah I had a little too much to drink at Reid's and that I was going to crash there." You feel like crap, lying to her like that, but you had to.

"I'm in front of your apartment. Can I come in for a bit?" You curse the unsteady tremor in your voice.

"Of course, that's what I gave you the key for." Garcia yawns.

You hang up, letting yourself in her apartment; you feel as if a pressure is being lifted off your shoulders as you step into her brightly decorated apartment. It kinda feels like another home, comforting.

"Did you drive over here under the influence?" Garcia looks as if she's ready to smack you clean out your shoes.

"No, mama. I had two beers over an hour ago." You shrug as she scowls at you. You turn to lock the door. You can feel her staring daggers at you.

"If you don't believe me, call Spencer." You dangle your phone in front of her.

"Plus, do you really think he'd let me leave his place if I was a little bit tipsy?" You ask. She narrows her eyes as she nods.

"Since when is it 'Spencer'?" Penelope asks. Your stomach swoops at the thought.

When is she going to go for the training to become a profiler?

"Baby girl. I messed up." You sigh.

She tells you to sit, patting the couch cushion next to her.

"What's going on?"

"I feel like jerk ass for even thinking this…" You feel as though you can't breathe.

"Derek, you know I'm like the least judgey person ever… unless you say Steve Rogers and Bucky Barnes aren't the hottest super boyfriends, then I'm judging you. Hard." She pokes you in the side, trying to get you to laugh. You give in and give her a small smile.

"Seriously, baby girl. You're a mess." You shake your head. "But I'm more of a mess than you."

Your grit your teeth, going for the band-aid approach. Just spit it out.

"I was going to call it off with Savannah awhile ago. But then Hank came along and I wanted to do the right thing. But I don't want to lie anymore." Your chest squeezes as those words finally leave your mouth.

Penelope gives you this sad look.

" I don't deserve pity baby girl. I've dragged Savannah and my little man through this because I couldn't man up and come clean a long time ago… I'm bi and in love with my best friend." You feel like screaming. Words are inadequate to sum up how you're feeling right now.

"I mean I still love Savannah, but not in the way she expects me to. Not in the way she deserves.

And now I've got to make this work out with me and Savannah. This is what I always wanted; to be the married man with children. And I got that now."

"But I love Reid, more than anything. And this is sounding more and more like a soap opera. I just…I wasn't supposed to fail."

Garcia wraps you up in her arms and gives you a hug, you hug her back. When did your life become a big clusterfuck?

"Who says you failed Derek? Sometimes life throws monkey wrenches in the works, but you work around them. Is it fair to 1.) stress your Future little chocolate thunder out, 2.) hurt Savannah anymore than you have to, 3.) live with regret because you're going the "traditional" route and just staying together for the kid… which is a shitty thing to do all the way around. And 4.) hurt Spence, the geeky stud muffin, because you're kinda being selfish and following bad reasoning number three (going the traditional route.)" Garcia huffs.

"I love Savannah like a sister I never had. I'm thankful that you had a precious baby boy with a wonderful woman…but if you're unhappy in the situation…if you love someone else – it's okay. Those monkey wrenches pop up. It's what you do about it.

You love Spence, and he loves you. Point blank. Little Hank is going to love you no matter what. Savannah…you'll have to work through that.

Is it going to be crazy and stressful at first? Hell yes. Is it going to be complicated as fuck? Damn right. But you are all adults, and you have a little one to think about. He'd be better off with two parents who put his happiness before appearances." Garcia argues.

Your stomach clenches at the thought.

" Why does it feel like you've had this speech planned?" You pull back from Garcia, and she blinks at you.

"Um, it's been rolling around in my head for awhile."

"Look, I could tell you had a thing for Spencer for years, but it wasn't my place to say anything. I thought you two would have gotten your act together by now. Never too late though." You give a weak laugh, Garcia nudges you with her shoulder.

" So you crashing here or what?" She asks.

" If you don't mind baby girl, yeah."

"Pfft, 'if I don't mind'?" You get a pillow to the face and a smile for that one.

You snake an arm around her middle and give her another hug, and a kiss to her temple.

"Thanks for being the 'least judgey person ever,' and for having my back, Baby Girl." You squeeze tighter, and she laughs.

"Baby Boy, we ride or die for life!" She winces."Ew, that was less awkward in my head."

You hum in agreement.

Monkey wrenches thrown, time to go clean up your mess.


	3. Fake You Out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Coffee shops and doubt

Can you meet me at the coffee place you like? We need to talk.

You stare at the text message, and your stomach drops.

Derek hasn't really been in touch in weeks. And now this.

Okay, meet me in twenty.

You tap out your quick reply.

The shop is a ten minute walk from your apartment; you take that time to try and settle your nerves.

So there are several ways this conversation can go:

Reid, I made a mistake…

Reid, I was joking…

Reid, I was drunk...

Reid, I can't leave…

Reid, I lied…

Your mind quiets a little as take a deep breath in, the strong smell of coffee taking over.

The coffee place isn't all that busy as you step inside the dimly lit shop. You make your way to your regular booth, in the furthest corner, facing the door.

You catch sight of Derek at the counter, handing over money, a bright smile and wink for the barista. She giggles, blush dusting her face as she slides over a medium and ridiculously large cup of coffee.

You roll your eyes, trying to fight a smile, but you've got Derek's attention, and that bright watt smile is turned on you.

Too bad this lightheartedness isn't going to last.

He shuffles his way over to your booth, setting the large cup in front of you; leans over to plant a kiss on your forehead.

You wish your hair was longer to cover the blush rushing to stain your cheeks. You say nothing as Derek settles in diagonal to you.

"Hey Pretty Boy." Derek greets you.

"Derek." You try to keep your voice steady. You meet his eye for a second, before your gaze slides past his face, focusing on the room around you.

You make yourself busy with the coffee cup, taking the first sip. And something in your heart melts a little, because the coffee's kinda perfect— just the way you take it.

" Thanks for the coffee." You murmur before drinking more. Derek hums his acknowledgement before taking a drink of his own.

He's fidgeting, you catch him out the corner of your eye.

When is Derek Morgan ever nervous?

"Reid. I know these past couple of weeks have been kinda crazy…with…stuff." Derek tries to start. You blink, unhelpfully at him.

He's the one that called you here.

"I came clean to Savannah about everything; and she already knew…or at least had a suspicion of how I was feeling." His voice is low.

"Look kid, I'm trying to cause as least damage as possible. It's my fault any of us are in this mess in the first place and I'm trying to fix it." Your heart squeezes as the thought of rejection looms overhead.

" I'm in love with you. Have been for a while now. And you love me. Or at least I think you do… And I just want to make this work between us. If I ever had an inkling you could ever feel the same way about me as I do you…I probably still wouldn't have said anything. But I'm glad you did. You got the ball rolling. I just wish I had the nerve to do this sooner." He holds your gaze the whole time.

The bastard.

You don't mean that.

"If you're going to let me down, just do it already and stop pussyfooting. I'm big boy, I can handle rejection." You scowling, looking down at your hands.

You bite your lip, squeezing your eyes shut to distract yourself from the pain bubbling up in your chest. If the "heart" has no nerve endings, how is it you still feel pain?

You refuse to let him see you cry.

"Kid." You refuse to look at him. He reaches for your hand, you pull away.

"Spencer." His voice stronger. Your face is hot with embarrassment and shame. You got your hopes up for nothing. You're just done with all of this mess.

"Spencer Reid, you listen to me, and listen to me good. Savannah and I are done. We're filing for divorce because I have and always be in love with the stubborn, smart, beautiful man in front of me."

What the hell…

"What?"

" How much clearer do you want me to get?

"I Derek Morgan, love you, Spencer Reid. I want to wake up to you every day. I want to go to bed with you every night, in the not sexy way, just sleep way. I want to go to bed with you in the sexy way…want to laugh with you like we always do. I want to cheer you up when you have a rough day at work. I want to hang out with our friends. I want you to be a part of Hank's life, in whatever capacity you feel comfortable with. I want you in whatever way you'll have me. I just want you." Derek huffs out in exasperation.

He scoots closer to you, reaches up to cup your cheek. You see his eyes dart from your eyes to your lips…

His palm is clammy on your face. A laugh bubbles up from you.

"Are you attempting to kiss me…in a coffee shop?" Your voice sounds weird in your own ears.

" If you're uncomfortable with that, then no, I won't. But if your okay with it, then yes, I'm trying to kiss you… in a coffee shop."Derek gives you a smirk.

"Since you won't listen to me, maybe a kiss will get it into your thick skull that I'm into you." He shrugs.

"Ok,"you nod. "Go for it." Your heart is hammering against your temple.

This is really...

He leans in as your eyes close, and your lips fit together perfectly. A heat spreads through you as Derek gives you a light kiss.

And your body starts shaking with laughter.

You pull away first, and you peek at Derek.

"What?" Derek looks ruffled.

"You…you taste like coffee." You giggle. Derek rolls his eyes and laughs.

"Only you kid."

"You act like that's a bad thing. I actually love coffee." You nudge him with your elbow.

"And I'd like to give us a chance. I think we could be really good together." You smile, taking Derek's hand in yours.

"Damn right, pretty boy." Derek kisses your cheek.

It's all you ever hoped for and then some.

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: Whelp, my head hurts, my heart hurts, and I don’t know what I’m going to do without our Derek Morgan. This couple has been the love of my life for the past eleven years. They were my first slash couple. They opened my eyes to gay subtext and I’ll always love them. *sigh*  
> Well, let me know what you think. Thanks for sticking with me to the end.


End file.
